The Omniscient Mussel

The Man Who Confused His Seat For A Bed

Dear Fellow Concert Patron,

Next time you feel the need to take a nap, please stay home. Sure, the music can be soothing and to be honest, sometimes Miss Mussel’s eyelids get a little droopy during concert especially after an exquisite pre-concert meal. Delightful comestibles notwithstanding, Miss Mussel is quite positive that on those rare occasions in which she does lose consciousness, she is able to refrain from aping a revving Harley.

Miss Mussel supports many artistic disciplines and was forced to acknowledge, despite her extreme annoyance, your not insubstantial talent. By bar 12 of the overture, you were already sound asleep and sawing logs with reckless abandon. Never before has Miss Mussel witnessed someone descending into deep sleep in such a short amount of time.

Next time you are feeling drowsy, Miss Mussel humbly requests that you spend your $12 on a CD instead of a concert ticket. If you absolutely must come because your wife is in the orchestra or somesuch, Miss Mussel would suggest that you consider investing in some Breath-Rite strips. Wearing the whole box simultaneously is not damaging to your health and is, in fact, vigourously encouraged. There is also a throat spray in the event that the strips don’t provide sufficient relief.

Seeing as the next concert is in three month’s time, Miss Mussel is certain you will be able to conserve enough energy to ensure you remain at least semi-conscious for the duration of the program. If not, please visit the coat check before taking your seat. You will find that my assistant has taken the liberty of supplying two cans of Red Bull and some espresso. Miss Mussel trusts these supplies will provide you with boost you so obviously need.

Yours respectfully,

The Omniscient Mussel

Row H Seat 24