Idiocy and the Border Patrol
The Rambler is spot on. The US Border guards are the most “inappropriately incompetent, lazy, smugly authoritarian individuals” Miss Mussel has ever encountered too. She has also been through Heathrow. And Luton. The Niagara border patrol people are definitely on the OM black list. When shopping around for Master’s programs some years ago, Miss Mussel went for a trial lesson in Cleveland.
A friend was also going for a lesson also and what follows is a fairly accurate reconstruction of our exchange with a border guard in Niagara Falls. Miss Mussel if fairly certain that our guy was that year’s favourite in the INS Condescender of the Year pageant. His talent was a unique combination of megalomania, surliness and utter idiocy.
BG: Where are you going?
OM: Cleveland
BG: Why are you going there?
OM: To have a lesson at CIM.
BG: Are you a student there?
OM: Not yet, but perhaps in September.
BG: When are you coming back?
OM: Tomorrow
BG: So you’re going to have one lesson and then come straight back?
OM: Yes [starts to wonder if BG is hard of hearing and talks louder]
BG: And you’re not a student there.
OM: NO
BG: What about her? [points vaguely in direction of friend]
OM: WHAT ABOUT HER, WHAT?
BG: What’s she doing?
OM: THE SAME THING AS I AM, ONLY WITH A DIFFERENT TEACHER.
BG: So, you’re both going to study?
OM: Yes [realises BG is not deaf, merely stupid]
BG: Can I see your visas? [hypothesis confirmed]
OM: We don’t need visas. We’re only going for one lesson and then coming right back.
BG: What’s the point of that?
OM: To see if we like the school and teachers. [wonder if BG is having us on or is really one knife short]
BG: What good is that going to do?
OM: It will help us decide if we want to audition for a place for September. [maintains patient voice and saintly expression despite internally rolling eyes]
BG: What’s that in the backseat?
OM: A cello.
BG: What’s it for?
OM: Playing music with. [honestly, where does the INS find these people?]
BG: Are you giving a concert?
OM: No. We are having trial lessons. [briefly considers making a sign. Perhaps BG is just a visual learner]
BG: How long are you going to be in the country for? [with serious memory problems]
OM: Less than 36 hours.
BG: When are you coming back? [dropped on his head as a child]
OM: Tomorrow.
BG: Ok. Welcome to America
OM: uh…thanks. [drive away slowly and completely bewildered by what has just transpired]
The return crossing the next day took all of two minutes. The Canadian officers always seem genuinely glad to have one of their own back in the fold.
