2. Tell a mother and child waiting behind you that Santa’s throne is made of Blitzen.
3. Rehearse your child so that when Santa asks what the tyke wants, he or she bursts into tears and says, “I just want Mommy and Daddy to be married again!”
1. Scrutinize Santa up and down, then ask witheringly, “Why do you have to dress like such a whore?”
3. Show up in a rented elf suit, pass Santa a résumé, and plead, “I really need this gig.”
4. Get on both knees and snort the fake snow.
1. Tug down on Santa’s false beard, point at him in alarm, and scream, “Megan’s Law! Megan’s Law!”
2. Sidle up to Santa and say conspiratorially, “Hey, I got the stuff.” Then drop a dime bag in his lap.
3. Bow your head, perform a sign of the cross, address Santa as “Father Christmas,” and confess to having impure thoughts about someone within earshot.
The best reader-created dares will be posted on the VF site sometime in the near future.