Rigoletto (Verdi – )
Pawelotti – Rigoletto tries to get The Duke of Mantua killed but due to a curse his daughter Gilda is killed instead.
Chicken Feet 2003 – Hunchback ticks off boss. Get’s the sack
David Karlin – Jester’s daughter didn’t oughter tryst with vile seducing duke. Daddy mounts revenge attack. Disaster: daughter dies in sack.
E Wurzbach – twenty scudi is all I need to help this hunchback with his ghastly deed
Walktrocanter – jokes on the buffoon when his figlia gets abducted & deflowered by his cad boss then killed by hit man hired for revenge
MPRMike – You know what would be hilarious and totally harmless fun? Kidnapping the jester’s daughter. You in?
Hariclea – Womaniser survives murder plot only to get to sing more high Cs. Maledizione!
Frindley – He had a hunch, the Duke was up to no good. Precautions futile: between ducal charm & noble curse Gilda didn’t stand a chance
Fun With Iago – Sing it: Duke. Duke. Duke. Duke of Mantua. Mantua. Mantua. Kills the jester’s daughter. In a saaack! Whoa whoa yeah!
Shevinka – A jester has a hunch that someone has his daughter in the sack…. GILDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nicole Brockmann – Midnite special-Sparafucile alla puttanesca. Comes in a takeout sack w/a surprise. Prices (& women) subject to change w/o notice.
Josiah Gulden – Look who’s cursed now, you damn dirty… OH SHIT!!! GILDA??? FML.
Mandy Inhofer – QuasiDad-o gets tables turned on him when boss kidnaps and rapes hidden daughter. Lesson: don’t let girls go to church
Romeo and Juliette
PattyoboeFamilies feud. Lovers wed. Potion taken, she looks dead. Lovers sing. Lovers die. Feud is over. Now goodbye
Rusalka (Dvorak – )
Thos Carpenter – Moon, please don’t let them kill my baby daddy. I’ll kill my kids instead! Or my friend? Ooh! Suicide pact with my boyfriend!
Paul JZ – Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, but mum’s the word…smooch, smooch, glub, glub
Dumbledad – Fishy tale of bored teen seeking love. Čury mury fuk. Teen silenced, but her chatty lover lacks constancy. Watery graves for all
Mego Celeste – nomes, nymphs, witches, a prince, and a diva who spends half the opera in silence. This definitely isn’t Czechs and the City!
Saint François d’Assise
By The Water’s Edge – Observe spiritual growth of Saint via Brothers Leo, Masseo, Bernard, Elias, Angel, Christ & Simon Cowell [Sort of made that up]
Danny Liss – Tweet tweet tweet tweeeeet tweet tweeeeeeeet tweet tweet tweeeeet tweet tweet tweeeeeeet tweet tweet the sermon is for the birds.
P Schleuse – So I kissed a leper—should I be stigmatized for that? This is for the birds…
Salome (R. Strauss – )
Dufornee – WTF? You don’t think I’m sexy? Off with your head! And then I’ll just kiss you afterwards
Pattyoboe – She Dances just to get a head
Patrick Swanson – S: I liek u. J: Repent, whore. S. Cut off his head, K? H: K. *S dances w/head.* H: lol bitch is hot but crazy. Kill her. Men: K
David Karlin – How do *you* get your teenage kicks? Salome gets hers by striptease and necrophilia.
Olivia Giovetti – She’s a really good dancer and a bit of an exhibitionist. Don’t lose your head.
Music Biz Kid – Teen w/stepdaddy issues & pervy impulses dances for dad, lays first kiss on disembodied head of prophet. Prom will be a let-down.
Christiana Cola – I’m a pretty princess, so why don’t you like me, smelly man? Here’s all my clothes dad, now KILL HIM! ooohh sweet severed head–
P Schleuse – Narraboth ogles, Herod leers, Jochanaan just says no. Salome strips, receives head, something terrible happens. Wilde night
Ronan Collet – The thing about Salome is that she can’t seem to get Jokanaan the prophet out of her cistern
Jezetha – Adolescent princess meets dropdead prophet. Snubbed. Lewd stepfather offers anything for her unveiling. Prophet ends up headless.
Jennifer Strumm – Not the first time a man lost his head over a woman in skimpy clothes.
Otterhouse – 15 yr old girl seduces a Saint, strips for her stepfather, sucks on a dead man’s lip, and you call opera boring?
Josiah Gulden – You did what??? With who??? For how many prophets’ severed heads???
Opera San Jose – Me: I never tried to seduce a prophet, then made out with his severed head after doing a lap dance for my dad. Sal: Crap *drinks*
Mandy Inhofer – Salome: There will be blood
Prima la musica – I CAN HAS TEH HEAD OV JOHN TEH BAPTIST?
Sublime Louise – Damn you. I want you. I’ll dance for you. I scorn you. I’ll have you. I kiss you. I died for you
Samson e Delila
Music Biz Kid – WhenCleverDalilaFinesses/MightySamson,HeDumblyConfesses/SourceOfHisStrength/IsInHisCoiffure’sLength/&DameColdlyHacksOffHisTresses
Philip Sheppard – Arpeggio ditto ditto ditto Gandhi arpeggio ditto ditto ditto. *Interval* ARPEGGIO DITTO DITTO ditto
Renegade Oboe – Sing Another Time, Yes, About Gandhi’s Resistance: A Holy Apostasy
Anastasiat – Lord Krishna: chariot driver. Indians: struggling. Gandhi: awesome. Sanskrit: no back of the seat translations for you!
Semele (Handel – )
MMmusing – Ha, is Semele Messiah?
Siegfried (Wagner – )
Bonnie Situation – I hate this dude who raised me, but my father’s sword amazed me. The dragon hardly fazed me, but this chick has really dazed me.
Megoceleste – SWF seeks man willing to relocate to a rock for eternal love and the occasional ring of fire. But you have to go thru dad first
Jeanie O – Siegfried, our hero, forges the gold, his heldentenor quite a sound to behold. A dragon he’ll slay, but does heroism pay?
Arbakr – Erda has the right idea: “You’ve been doing what with the who now? I’m going back to bed…”
Arbakr – So you’re saying this Schwert works for dragons, dwarfs, and other guys’ speers but it won’t help me get girls? WTF is that?
Arbakr – Hypeactive teen confuses lack of fear for lack of getting laid.
Arbakr – Siegfried fires, Mime conspires, Fafner expires, Wotan retires, Brunnhilde…perspires
Beth1170 – Wife’s a whore, cheats with drummajor. Better a knife in her belly than my hands on her. OK, enjoy your knife. Oops I’m drowning
Arbakr – So, I didn’t really do the math when I planned this out. I mean, you’re A LOT younger than me. Tho it is kind of hot…
Arbakr – Tenor shreds voice before having to face off with soprano who only got to the theatre at 10:15. But she’ll get hers.
Arbakr – Years later, Fafner goes for a drink and gets stabbed by some punk kid.
Jennifer Stumm – I went down, down, down into the ring of fire. And I got burned… #operaplot
Henri Drost – I am not afraid. I am not afraid. But wait, that is not a man! I am afraid.
Irene Vartanoff – Pirate turns politician/Tenor turns baritone/Rival turns son-in-law/ Vengeful abductor turns poisoner/Genoa turns page.
Fab4FaveFan – DNA says: patrician foster dad granddad of girl whose Dad is plebe Doge. Doge forbids pat lover. Poisoned, okays it
Fab4favefan – Patrizier fördern Vater des Mädchens, dessen Vater ist Plebe Doge Opa. Doge verbietet pat Liebe. Vergiftet Okays es
Street Scene (Weill – )
Devon Cestes -New York is full of immigrants, but this house is lonely. Neighbors love, parents kill, no one wins except the ice cream man.
Gaspsiagore – A decade in U.S., Kurt Weill incorporates every style of American music into his #operaplot. Wife has affair w/milkman, husband shoots both
Kelly Pappageorge – smarmy tenor woos/ take away tenor, add kid/ Con onor muore
Summer and Smoke (Hoiby – )
WMFTweetie – Dr. John sows his wild oats then settles down, but he cannot cure Miss Alma of the doppelganger raging inside her
Suor Angelica (Puccini – )
Sam Neuman – The Princess is double-parked, so she has to be succinct: kid’s dead, sister’s engaged, love the habit, sign here, kthxbye.
Susannah (Floyd – )
David Karlin – Praise the Lord! Praise Susannah’s body! Phwoar! It’s a sin! Oh. By us. But we’re not evil, we’re the Elders. Put that gun down!
Dr Geoduck – Oh, Susannah, oh won’t you cry for me? I was goin’ to Alabama, but your brother done shot me
Susannah – Susie’s got a gun. It’s her brother’s gun. Look at those Elders run. Her whole world’s come undone. What did her Preacher do?
Gaspsiagore – In the mountains of TN, the apocryphal tale of Susannah & the Elders is sung folk-style over ostinati. Floyd’s first.
N Brockmann – Chair slick with blood?/You’ll think it odd/Unless your barber’s/Sweeney Todd/Burma-Shave
Tales of Hoffman
Jose S Piano – Hoffman±(Stella⇔[Olympia+Giulietta+Antonia])/(Coppélius+Miracle+Dapertutto≈Lindorf)(Nicklausse⊂Muse)=Barfly
Third Lady – women! they’re either deceitful, neurasthenic, or coloratura-singing mechanical dolls! maybe i should get back to my writing…
David Karlin – Hoffmann: Sat in bar musing on lost love. And the other one. And the one who died. Oh sod it, let’s get drunk and write poetry.
Sam Neuman – Yeah, bros, I could totally have hooked up with all these crazy-hot women, but this bass-baritone kept cockblocking me
Olivia Giovetti – One lover’s a diva, one’s a doll, one’s dead from singing, and one’s diamond-crazed. Stick with the muse disguised as a student.
Gwen May – Woe is me: I can’t distinguish my friend from my muse, a human from a doll, and my old dead girlfriends from my new girlfriend!
Tannhauser (Wagner – )
Bonnie Situation – Venusburg boring. Elisabeth adoring. Lovesong soaring. Prudish crowd roaring. To Rome I’ll be touring. Salvation I’ll be scoring.
Sublime Louise – Tanner rampages, Venus engages, our hero’s lemma, il Papa’s promlema, returns in tears 2 Liz’s bier, green shoots 2 little 2 late
Renegade Oboe – He’s a heretic, but naïve and useful. Death wins his soul and turns him into a Brutal Anglican, to the dismay of the White Abbott
Henri Drost – Come in. Let’s have some tea. Yes, that’s rocks and paper you hear.
MMmusing – Her HS days done, tender Laurie/is doing a life inventory/when Martin and Top/just happen to stop/and inevitably alter her story.
Thais (Massanet – )
EG Meijer – Courtesan priestess becomes an angel after having an affair with an ascetic monk who cannot bear it anymore.